what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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