I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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