Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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