I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
