yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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