Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
