8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize
