Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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