My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
