It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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