i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
