im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
