Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
