i love accidental penises.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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