just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
