She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
