I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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