btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
