He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
we're making bets on your personal life
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
