she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
