Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
