Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
