life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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