wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize