Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
