Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He literally asked permission to hit on me
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
