im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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