her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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