you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
