More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My pussy is not your playground.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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