for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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