now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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