Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
