May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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