Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
