yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
