I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
