I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
