Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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