Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
