Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Randomize
