fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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