Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
