I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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