i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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