I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize