billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You're like the curious george of whores
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
