The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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