fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Congratulations! We have a period
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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