My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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