No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
