I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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