If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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