i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
