Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
