if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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