Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
