Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
