connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
